


Hugs and Kisses

by Dawn47



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e11 Maneuvers, Episode: s03e01 Basics Part 2, Episode: s03e15 Coda, Episode: s03e17 Unity, Episode: s03e23 Distant Origin, Episode: s03e26 Scorpion, Episode: s04e04 Nemesis, Episode: s04e07 Scientific Method, Episode: s04e13 Waking Moments, Episode: s04e15 Hunters, Episode: s04e22 Unforgettable, Episode: s05e01 Night, Episode: s05e04 In The Flesh, Episode: s05e06 Timeless, Episode: s05e08 Nothing Human, Episode: s05e19 The Fight, Episode: s06e01 Equinox Part II, Episode: s06e09 The Voyager Conspiracy, Episode: s06e14 Memorial, Episode: s07e04 Repression, Episode: s07e16-17 Workforce, Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), F/M, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 13,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26367184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dawn47/pseuds/Dawn47
Summary: Summary:  Additions to all the episodes that went really bad for Chakotay, and he need some love and comfort.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 97
Kudos: 108
Collections: XOs for the XOs





	1. Maneuvers

** Chapter 1 - Season 2, Ep 11, Maneuvers **

“Come,” Chakotay said from his seat on his couch. When he saw who it was, he stood up and said, “Captain.”

She held up her hands, “Please, as you were. I don’t mean to interrupt your off-duty time.”

“Not at all, come in. Can I get you anything?”

“No thank you,” she said quickly. “I just wanted to check on you, see how you were doing.”

“Oh,” he said with a sigh. “Well, I’m not sure, actually.”

“Today was a tough one,” she noted.

He motioned to one of his chairs. “Have a seat.”

“Thank you,” she said as she perched on the edge of a chair, commenting, “The pattern on this upholstery is quite striking.”

“It’s an Aztec design. Not my tribe, but the cushions were a gift from a couple of my former crew and so I didn’t feel like I could turn them down.”

“They’re still your crew,” she pointed out. “A thoughtful gift.”

“I like to think of them as our crew now, and in an effort to blend them, I try not to call them the former Maquis.”

“Thank you for that. We haven’t talked about it much lately, but I don’t see the division much anymore. You?”

“Tuvok’s rescue of Gerron a few months ago smoothed over a few of the last rough edges, but I think it was sealed when everyone chose to stay with us after we left the planet with the 37’s. That, and everyone has come together in our dislike of Seska.”

“You were involved with her, from what I understand?”

“Yes,” Chakotay replied quietly as he looked down at his hands. “Not on Voyager, though. I ended our liaison a couple months before the Caretaker incident.”

“May I ask why?”

“Why the affair or why did I end it?”

Kathryn tilted her head, “Why you ended it. I don’t mean to pry on why you began it. I was curious about whether you had any suspicions about her.”

“Well, she was attractive as a Bajoran, and seemingly fascinated with me. Just a ruse, of course, but the attention was nice at the time.”

“I’m really not asking why.”

“I know, but I felt I should explain. I ended it because she was a little too intense, too angry. I noticed that she was fueling my hatred and trying to turn it against Starfleet.”

“You weren’t angry with Starfleet?”

“I was disappointed in the Federation, upset at the decisions the Federation Council made. I sometimes wished Picard had forced evacuation of my planet, but that would’ve caused a different set of problems.”

“Your family’s colony wouldn’t have seen it for the gift it could’ve been, because they wouldn’t have the experience of the Cardassian occupation to compare it to.”

“Right,” he said with a nod. “You know I left Starfleet so I could help the remaining colonies. I felt like it was the only choice I could make.”

“I understand.”

“So, as for Seska, I had to distance myself from her anger and hatred. Once we were on Voyager, she tried to rekindle the affair, but I promise you that it did not happen on your ship.”

“Our ship, Commander, but it’s certainly not a requirement as first officer to remain celibate. You’re free to date anyone you’re interested in.”

He glanced at her with a charming smile. “Are you extending that grace to yourself as well?”

“I’m still engaged to Mark. Of course, he has probably given me up for dead by now, but it seems wrong to give him up when I know he could be waiting for me.”

After a moment, he asked, “So are you checking on me because of Seska being pregnant?”

“Among other things. You were severely injured, and your CO came down on you pretty hard today.”

“I deserved it,” he said with a shrug. “Physically, I’m sore, but the Doctor did a good job fixing me up.”

“And the pregnancy?”

He blew out a breath. “Honestly, I don’t know what to think. She could be lying. I intend to ask the Doctor tomorrow how she could impregnate herself that way. Is she making a clone? Seems like she’d need sperm, not DNA.”

“I doubt the Kazon have that kind of technology, but maybe the Cardassians do? I don’t know.”

Chakotay rubbed his jaw as he thought about it. “It feels like an assault, but I know that I put myself into that situation, where she could take advantage, so it is my own fault.”

“No,” Kathryn leaned forward and reached for his hand. Clasping it, she said, “It was an assault. It might not have been sexual, but you have every reason to be upset that she took advantage of you that way. It was a violation.”

He squeezed her hand back. “Thank you for understanding.”

Kathryn nodded, took a deep breath, and then stood up. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your reading, Commander.”

“Thank you for stopping by.”

“You’re welcome,” she said as she saw herself out.


	2. Basics

** Chapter 2 - Season 2 & 3, Ep 26 and Ep 1, Basics **

“Come,” Chakotay said from his seat on his couch. As soon as the door opened, he stood. “Captain.”

“May I come in?”

“Of course,” he said as he directed her to his seating area. “Make yourself at home. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?”

“No thank you, I don’t intend to stay for long. I just wanted to check on you.”

Taking a seat near her, he said, “I’m okay, mostly exhausted, as I’m sure you are.”

“The crew has been working very hard, haven’t they?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “Morale is surprisingly high as everyone seems grateful to be back on board and they’re eager to put things right.”

“I overheard a couple crewmen talking about going so far as to sanitize the ship.”

Chakotay nodded. “I have to admit that I did that to my quarters.”

“Oh, mine, too. It was clear they’d been used.”

“Oooh,” he said with a cringe. “Did they damage anything?”

“Nothing but my pride, I suppose. But I went over every centimeter of my bedroom and lavatory with a sanitizing wand. I couldn’t sleep if I hadn’t.”

“How’s your cheek?” he asked.

She touched where the bruise had been. “It’s fine. Thank you for catching me, by the way.”

“Pure instinct when a beautiful woman falls into my arms.”

Kathryn looked away, blushing slightly. “Well, I don’t expect that I’ll need to be caught on a regular basis.”

“I promise to be there when you do, Captain.”

“Kathryn,” she corrected. “Please? When we’re not on duty?”

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to continue using your first name after we left our little New Earth.”

“I do,” she said earnestly. “It’s nice to hear my name occasionally. I think it reminds me that there’s a person underneath the command persona.”

“I’ll be happy to remind of that, Kathryn.”

She added, “I’d like to continue the friendship we developed there, if that’s okay with you?”

“I’d love that.”

She smiled in response and then said, “So, the Doctor’s report indicated that the DNA sample didn’t work after all.”

“I’m relieved, but…” He seemed at a loss.

“I know,” she replied. “It doesn’t compare at all, but I thought I was pregnant at one time. I let my hopes get ahold of me and was almost to the point of grieving when I learned that I wasn’t.”

He looked at her gently. “Grieving is a good word for it. It makes sense, and I think I am feeling that. Not just because of the baby, but this whole situation.”

Kathryn’s voice cracked a little as she said, “I have to admit that part of me wanted that baby to have been a clone of you.”

Emotionally, he replied, “Me, too.”

She patted her knees as if to stand, but he cut her off.

“Would you stay a little longer, Kathryn? I could use a friend.”

Settling back down, she nodded. “Maybe I’ll take that cup of tea, then.”

“Coming right up,” he said happily.


	3. Coda

** Chapter 3 - Season 3, Ep 15, Coda **

Chakotay lowered the anchor into the holographic lake. “Like this?”

“Perfect,” Kathryn said as she watched from where she was sitting on the starboard side of the sailboat. “Sorry I’m not much help.”

“You’re fine. After all, I’m the one who cracked your ribs.”

She smiled at him as he sat down next to her. “Have I thanked you for saving my life today?”

“Not in the last five minutes.” He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back so he could look at the stars. Carefully, he reached out and took her hand, holding it securely with is thumb resting on the pulse point of her wrist. “I need to feel you.”

Kathryn turned onto her side and asked, “May I use your shoulder as a pillow?”

He gladly stretched out his arm and let her snuggle in. “Even better,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her and held on tight. Her head was at the perfect height for him to be able to put his nose near her hair and simply breathe in her scent.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly.

Squeezing her gently, he replied, “I’m getting there.”

“During my out of body experience, I could see your emotional pain as you tried to revive me. I don’t know if it was real or not.”

Emotions washed over him as he tightened his hold. “That had to rank up there with one of the worst moments of my life.”

Her head turned to nestle in further as she asked, “I mean that much to you?”

“Yes,” he replied simply.


	4. Unity

** Chapter 4 - Season 3, Ep 17, Unity **

Chakotay was pacing the length of his quarters, feeling agitated and uncomfortable in his skin. He wanted to talk to Kathryn, but also knew he’d disappointed her greatly and was afraid of seeing that disappointment in her eyes. When she’d left sickbay a couple hours earlier, she’d been understanding, but he knew she felt more deeply than she was letting on.

He got out of his uniform and took a sonic shower, then decided on a hot water one, too. When he got out, he put on his most comfortable shirt, a loose off-white tunic and a pair of comfortable brown pants.

Staring at the replicator, he was trying to decide what he wanted when his door chime rang. Taking a deep breath, he remained staring at the replicator as he said, “Come.”

“I thought you might need a friend,” he heard her throaty voice and then the sound of the door closing behind her.

“Not sure I’m very good company,” he replied, feeling as tense as ever.

“Maybe that’s when you need a friend the most.”

He turned to her and softened when he saw that she was out of uniform, wearing one of her casual dresses. “I’m so agitated that I can’t sleep. I was trying to decide if I wanted whiskey or hot tea.”

Kathryn came over and used his replicator, tapping in her own code, to replicate two shots of whiskey. “Let’s sit.”

He replicated two glasses of water as well and then joined her, sitting side by side on his couch. “We might want these, too.”

“Smart.” Each of them held their shot of liquor aloft as she toasted, “To Marie Kaplan, a fine officer and a compassionate woman.”

Chakotay nodded and downed the shot, feeling the burn as it slid down his throat and esophagus. When he heard Kathryn trying to control her urge to cough, he gave her a look of sympathy. “Amazing how sobering a shot of liquor can be.”

She nodded, unable to speak just yet.

“I really enjoyed getting to know Marie on this mission. Did you know her mother was an archeologist?”

“I didn’t,” Kathryn replied.

“I want to write down some of what we talked about before I forget. I’d like to write to her mother.”

“Do you want to do the eulogy?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “Yes, if that’s okay with you?”

“Absolutely. I’ll say something, too, of course.”

Quiet for a long moment, he said, “I’m worried that I disappointed you.”

She leaned back and angled towards him, crossing her legs as she asked, “Why? You had no control.”

“I could’ve fought harder.”

“You’re a strong man, Chakotay, but you’re not strong enough to withstand a Borg neural link.”

“If I’d held out just a little longer down on the planet, I wouldn’t have allowed them to establish it.”

“You were severely injured,” she pointed out. “Neural trauma doesn’t exactly allow for clear thinking.”

His eyes clamped shut as he admitted, “I had sex with her.”

When she didn’t say anything, he opened his eyes but only found compassion as she finally spoke, “She is a beautiful woman.”

“It makes my skin crawl.”

Kathryn reached out to touch his arm, but then changed her mind. “I hesitate to touch you if you’re feeling that way.”

“Because I’m less than a man, now?”

“No, heavens no.” She scooted closer and put her arm around his back. “I know what it feels to be physically violated and to need control afterwards.”

“It wasn’t rape,” he replied and then realized what she said. “What? You’ve been raped?”

She nodded but didn’t elaborate.

“Kathryn,” he said as he switched their arms so that he was holding her.

“I’m okay,” she assured, her eyes bright and full of unshed tears. “It was a long time ago. I was 24.”

“Before you met your first fiancé?” he asked.

“Actually, he rescued me from the situation. That’s how we met.”

Chakotay’s heart filled with pain at the thought. Somehow, his problems with Riley Frazier didn’t seem so important.

“I’m telling you this because I really do understand what you’re feeling in that regard.”

“I don’t think you do,” he said as he squeezed her gently. “After the neural link, I was in a state of euphoria. It was my choice and I enjoyed it. It’s just that now, it makes me feel sick. At the time, I didn’t seem to have any thoughts about…“ He abruptly stopped speaking and shook his head.

“About what?” she pushed.

He let go of her and held his fist against his mouth. “I can’t say it.”

Kathryn took a slow drink of her water and then held the glass in her lap. “While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, it sounds to me like you were drugged.”

“There were no drugs.”

“Weren’t there? They altered your neural synapses. That’s what mind control drugs do. And then they used that same technique to force you to reactive the cube. The two assaults were identical in that they took away your free will.”

“I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to answer this for me, but answer it for yourself, would you have been intimate with her if not for that neural link? Did you find her attractive upon first meeting her?”

“Not enough,” he replied. “I’m not the type of man to want a release just for the sake of the release. There has to be more.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “Is it easier to accept that you were coerced or that you were caught up in a moment of passion that you later regretted?”

He thought about her question and eventually answered, “I don’t know. If I was going to be swept away by passion, I’d rather it be with someone I love.” Talking about this with her was both therapeutic and stressful because he was afraid that he’d slip at any moment and admit how he felt. But she was also his closest friend and he needed her like he needed air to breathe. That gap between gasping for every last breath of her and hyperventilating on her presence was a fine line. He wanted her to stay, to be with him, but he also wanted the freedom to relax and let his imagination go, to escape from the reality of the ordeal.

Kathryn said, “Chakotay, I want to help, but I don’t know if that means I should sit with you and keep talking or if I should go and let you get some rest.”

He huffed a quiet laugh. “What I’d like most right now is to be held, but that’s asking too much.”

“No, it’s not.” She set down the water glass.

“Kathryn?” he asked in confusion as she stood.

“It’s late, you need to sleep. I’m going to help you.”

Anger flared. “I don’t need a pity fuck.”

Staring at him, she put her hands on her hips and calmly replied. “I’m not offering one.”

Deep embarrassment flooded his entire being. “Oh, God,” he said as his eyes closed. “I can’t believe I just said that. Especially not to you.”

She was silent for a moment before she put her hand on his shoulder. “You’re safe with me, Chakotay. I won’t think any less of you for words that happen to slip out when you’re under this much stress. Just as I hope you’ll forgive me in the future, should I say something like that at the wrong time.”

“Kathryn, you are so dear to me,” he said, his eyes downcast.

“You are to me, too.” She leaned over and captured his hand, gently tugging to draw him to his feet. “I want you to get into bed. I’m going to lie next to you, fully clothed, on top of the covers, and hold you while you fall asleep. If that’s okay?”

“Being able to relax with you on the bed next to me seems unlikely.”

“Okay,” she said with understanding as she dropped his hand.

His body was screaming to accept her offer. Quickly, he asked, “Could I face away from you?”

The way her expression softened warmed his heart. “That was the idea. That I would hold you.”

“Would you give me a minute?”

“Of course.”

Chakotay prepared for bed, turned down the lights, made sure she would have a blanket and then went to the doorway of his bedroom and asked, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

She nodded and directed him to go back into his room as she followed. “I’ll stay until you’re asleep.”

His heart was beating heavily in his chest, more anxious now than he’d been when she arrived. Not for the same reason, of course, but her being in his bedroom was overwhelming. “Kathryn… I don’t think I can.”

Freezing where she was, she asked, “Do you feel like I’m pressuring you?”

“No,” he shook his head adamantly. “I just… Kathryn, I can’t explain it to you.”

“I tend to want to fix things,” she said. “I thought perhaps my presence would calm you like it did on the sailboat a few weeks ago.”

“Your presence does calm me, but there’s more to it and in my present state of mind, well, it’s just not the right time.”

“I understand,” she said quietly. “If you find that you still can’t sleep, get something from the Doctor, or call me. We can talk more.”

“Thank you for understanding.” His hand itched to reach for her, but he kept it by his side. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, Chakotay,” she said with the adorable tilt to her head that he loved.


	5. Distant Origin

** Chapter 5 - Season 3, Ep 23, Distant Origin **

As soon as he said, “Come,” Kathryn moved swiftly towards him.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he assured as he enjoyed the way she was holding his elbows.

Studying him carefully, she asked, “Did the Doctor check you? Tuvok said you collapsed, that you were hit with a dart of some kind.”

He rubbed his shoulder where he’d been harpooned. “Yes, but it was just a mild sedative. Doc says I’m fine.”

Kathryn relaxed as she touched his shoulder where he had just rubbed. “I was worried.”

Touched by her concern, he said, “I’m okay.”

“They requested an interrogation surgeon to make me more cooperative, and…”

“WHAT?!?!” he shouted, suddenly looking her over very carefully as chills ran through him. “Kathryn?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Nothing happened. They didn’t go through with it because of whatever was happening with the trial…”

Chakotay shuddered as the emotions flew over him. “You scared me.”

More gently, she said, “I was worried that you were the one being interrogated by a surgeon.”

“No, not at all.”

With a deep, penetrating look, she said, “That’s the last thing you need.”

“Nothing of the kind happened. It was actually quite fascinating and I’m eager to write my report.”

She smiled and stepped back to let him go, but then asked, “May I hug you?”

His heart filling with joy, he opened his arms. “Of course.”

“I don’t know which I need more, to give this or receive it,” she murmured against his shoulder as they held each other tightly.

“Both? It feels good to me, too.” The feel of her and the scent of her had the double-edged effect of making him hyper aware of her presence while also washing over him with a wave of peace.

She pulled back after not giving him nearly enough time to hold her. “Thank you for that. I’ll let you get to your writing.”

“After I get this down, I’d love to tell you all about it. Could we have dinner tomorrow evening?”

With a smile, she nodded. “I’d like that.”

“Your quarters, my rations? You have a nicer table.”

Touching his shoulder again, she smiled. “My quarters, nineteen hundred, but we’ll share those rations.”

“Thank you for checking on me.”

“You’re welcome,” she said before leaving him to his writing.


	6. Scorpion

** Chapter 6 - Season 3 & 4, Ep 26 and Ep 1, Scorpion **

Chakotay walked into Kathryn’s Da Vinci Holodeck program and saw her sitting at a desk, writing with a quill on parchment. “Am I interrupting?”

“Not at all,” she said as she set the quill down. “Just finishing up my log.”

Amused at her choice of implement, he commented, “The old-fashioned way.”

“Yes, well, I wanted to get as far away from bio-implants and fluidic space. And this feels more human somehow.”

He yearned to let her remain in her escape, but said, “I hate to spoil the mood, but you might want to look at this Engineering report. It’ll take at least two weeks to remove the Borg technology from our systems. B’Elanna did note that the power couplings on deck eight work better with the Borg improvements.”

“Leave them,” she said with a shrug and then asked, “How’s our passenger?”

He rubbed his eyes as he replied, “The Doctor says she’s stabilizing. Her human cells are starting to regenerate.”

“I wonder what’s left under all that Borg technology, if she can ever become human again.”

Uncertain, he asked, “You plan to keep her on board?”

“We pulled the plug. We’re responsible for what happens to her now.”

Chakotay agreed, but he had reservations. “She was assimilated at a very young age. The Collective is all she knows. She might not want to stay.”

She shrugged. “I think she might. We have something the Borg could never offer. Friendship.”

That word struck a chord deep within him, as this woman before him was his closest and dearest friend. The heartache of the past week was tearing at him. “I want you to know, Kathryn, that disobeying your orders was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do.”

“I understand,” she replied with a deep sympathy in her countenance. “And I respect the decision you made, even though I disagree with it. What’s important is that in the end, we got through this, together.” Earnestly, she added, “I don’t ever want that to change.”

Relieved, he replied, “Agreed.”

“Good.” She stood and picked up her parchment. “I think it’s time we get back to our bridge.”

“No argument there.” He followed her out but stopped them before they got to the door. “Kathryn?”

“Yes?” she said as she turned back to him.

Hesitantly, he replied, “I want to say something else, but I’m not sure how best to say it.”

“Take your time.”

He looked down and then back up into her eyes. “Our friendship has grown extremely important to me.”

“To me, too,” she whispered.

“There was a moment when I considered going against my gut instinct and obeying you, and it wasn’t because I felt the need to follow my commanding officer’s orders blindly.”

“I don’t want you to follow my orders blindly.”

He tilted his head as he said, “Yes and no. You wanted me to make the deal work, even though I couldn’t fathom how it would in the end. I have a tremendous amount of faith in you and your leadership, but I worry that our friendship has grown too strong for me to effectively act as a first officer should.”

“Chakotay?”

“I was more worried about losing your friendship than I was about the best option for Voyager. That’s when I knew I had to act on my instincts. If I hadn’t, and I let our friendship get in the way of making the best command decisions… well, I don’t think I could continue in this position.”

“Are you saying you defied me to prove that you could?”

“No, not at all. Kathryn, I’m saying that when I realized the only reason that I wasn’t going with my gut was because I worried about hurting you, that’s when I had to forsake our friendship to do what I thought was best. That was the hard part in this. Not defying your orders.”

She looked down in thought before saying, “I suppose that’s the danger in getting too close, but I wouldn’t change this. I value our friendship too much.”

“I do too, and I need to know that our friendship can withstand this. It’s important to me that we’re able to make that demarcation.”

“All we have out here is each other,” she noted, compassion in her beautiful countenance. “Our humanity depends on us having friendships and relationships with each other.”

“Yes, it does. Otherwise, what’s the point in living?”

After a moment, she put her hand on his chest and said, “Thank you, then, for having the courage to defy me.”

He smiled gently. “And thank you for helping us find our way back to this point.”

“That took both of us,” she said, her expressive eyes telling him so much more than her words ever could. “And I’m sorry for what I said when I was stressed. I know I’m not alone.”

“No, you aren’t.” He held his palm up and smiled when her fingers intertwined with his. “Together.”

“Together,” she affirmed.


	7. Nemesis

** Chapter 7 - Season 4, Ep 4, Nemesis **

Chakotay rushed backed to his quarters after leaving Kathryn in the corridor outside sickbay. Once inside, he sat on his couch and leaned forward, holding his head in his hands as his emotions ebbed and flowed in surges of heartache, anger, hate, frustration, embarrassment, and even relief at knowing the Larhana settlement was only a fabrication. His body was shaking as the sounds of battle echoed in his mind in an assault of memories.

He jumped when he felt someone touch him and then caught his breath when he realized it was Kathryn and she had let herself into his quarters.

“Shhhh,” she soothed as she wrapped her arms around him. “It’s just me.”

He realized his eyelashes were damp and looked away in further humiliation.

“Hey,” she whispered quietly. “Don’t be embarrassed. Let it go. You’re safe with me.”

“I’m not,” he replied and took a deep, shaky breath. “I need to be strong for you, not this.”

“Can it be my turn to be strong for you?” She squeezed him as she massaged his upper back. “You don’t have to say anything, just let me sit with you.”

He nodded as he let her guide him to relax against her, angled so he was resting in her arms. She put a pillow under his back to help support him and called for the lights to lower.

There, they sat for a long time as she rubbed his arms, massaged his shoulder, and held his hand. Finally, when he had found a calm place and was staring out the viewport at the stars, she began to speak.

“Chakotay, you have a beautiful soul, so loving and open, always finding the good in others. I treasure that about you, and I hope you see what a gift that is. I wish it weren’t so, but people take advantage of that. But I know that if our home, our people, were ever in danger, you would fight so hard for them and you would give of yourself without reservation. You have stepped up to the plate for the underdog time and time again, and I hope you never stop doing that.”

Her words were a soothing balm over his frayed nerves, and he let her loving presence wash over him as he closed his eyes and concentrated on the feel of her touch.

After a time, he said, “There was a young girl that was part of the training scenario. Her name was Karya. She reminded me so much of a childhood friend, Mara was her name. She was so full of love and light, adored fresh flowers, much like you do.”

Kathryn held his hand, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles and up and down his fingers.

“I hope if I ever have a daughter, she will be like Karya or Mara.”

“Any child of yours would have to be full of love and light, because that’s what you are.”

He sighed. “I don’t know about the light part. Things seem pretty dark sometimes.”

“Yes,” she agreed, her voice deep and husky. “But you’ve found a way to come back from that darkness before, and you will again. I know it’s hard, though.”

Quietly, he repeated something back to her that he’d said a long time ago, “In serving the woman warrior, he found the true meaning of peace.”

She squeezed him gently in response but didn’t say anything.

“Kathryn?”

“Yes?”

“If we were to get home next week or next month, do you think you would still marry Mark?”

Letting out a slow exhalation, she shakily replied, “I don’t know. I’m not the same person I was. He might not want me. I might not want him.”

Chakotay reached up and covered her hand, sandwiching it between his. He took a breath and settled in, relaxing in her arms.

Kathryn called out, “Computer, play music by Chopin.”

In the quiet of his quarters, they held onto each other until both fell asleep.


	8. Scientific Method

** Chapter 8 - Season 4, Ep 7, Scientific Method **

Chakotay rang the chime to Kathryn’s quarters and entered when the door slid apart in front of him. Seeing her reclined in her chair, feet propped on ottoman, book in her lap made him smile. “I thought I’d see how you are feeling.”

“So much better,” she said with a content sigh.

“Headache gone?”

“Almost.” She waved to the couch. “Join me?”

Seeing a book thrown haphazardly on her couch, he picked it up and read, “Binary Pulses.”

Reaching for it, she snapped, “Give me that!”

Chakotay was grinning as he let her have it. “What is it?”

“A joke,” she said as she stuffed it down between her hip and the armrest.

He couldn’t help but wonder and looked at her, hoping she’d share more.

She relented with a sigh. “Someone on this ship, I don’t know who, had this book on their shelf and decided I needed to read it after driving Voyager between those binary pulsars yesterday. It was left outside my door with a handwritten note. I read one page. That was more than enough.”

“More than enough for what?”

“For me to realize the book is not in the fine literature genre.”

He wanted more, so he waited.

With a huff, she added, “The protagonist finds herself in the middle of a sexual sandwich between two other individuals.”

Chakotay snorted with laughter at the idea of someone on the crew giving her that book. “Good thing someone didn’t use the transporter to get that into your quarters. You’d hunt them down, wouldn’t you?”

“I’m of a mind to check the crew’s movements this afternoon through our corridor.”

“It is pretty funny, though. You have to admit,” he pointed out.

Kathryn rolled her eyes and changed the subject. “Nice to see your hair grew back.”

“Hopefully, your sense of humor will, too.”


	9. Waking Moments

** Chapter 9 - Season 4, Ep 13, Waking Moments **

Kathryn’s door slid open to show her standing on the other side, fastening her robe. “Good morning, Chakotay. Getting an early start?”

“I brought breakfast.”

She stood to the side and welcomed him in. “What’s the occasion?”

“I was having trouble sleeping, so I went to the messhall to find Neelix reorganizing his kitchen. Then Tom and Harry came in after playing several rounds of hoverball. When Tuvok showed up, we all pitched in to make breakfast.” He set down the plate and lifted the cover to show her an omelet, roasted potatoes, a biscuit, and a muffin. “I thought you might like some.”

“Well, thank you. This is quite a feast.”

“Have a seat. Coffee?”

“I’d love some,” she said as she slipped into the chair.

“Mind if I replicate a cup for myself?”

“Help yourself,” she encouraged as she took a bite of the eggs. “Mmmm, this omelet is actually quite good. Peppers? Onions?”

“Thank you. That was my contribution,” he said as he joined her at the table.

“It’s wonderful. Reminds me of your cooking during our quarantine. You spoiled me.”

He nodded, his dimples coming out to play a little. “I enjoyed spoiling you.”

“If I didn’t enjoy your company so much on the bridge, I’d promote you to chief cook.”

Chuckling, he replied, “There are some days when I wouldn’t mind that.”

“Likely the same days I’d rather be investigating quantum relativity in Astrometrics.”

“No doubt.” He took a sip of coffee and decided to ask a question that he was curious about. “You never told me about your dream with the alien.”

“It wasn’t nearly as fun as hunting with my father.”

“I didn’t exactly enjoy hunting.”

“Oh?”

“Those trips are what made me decide to be a vegetarian.”

She nodded. “I could see that. Replicated meat doesn’t cause the death of an animal, but I can see how hunting actual game would make it unappetizing.”

“At first, I was just being obstinate, then it was a matter of pride, and later penance.”

“Does it bother you that I’m not a vegetarian?” she asked.

“No, of course not. Although I am grateful that you’re not interested in hunting for sport.”

“Not animals, just stars.” She nodded towards his chest. “Tell me about this shirt.”

He looked down. “My pajamas.”

“Can I feel the fabric?” she asked as she reached for his sleeve.

“Sure,” he said as he leaned forward so she could reach it better. Watching her fingers stroke the fabric of his sleeve was surprisingly arousing. “Your assessment?”

“Softer than expected,” she said as she tucked her hand back in her lap. “It looks like it would be scratchy.”

“Keeps me warm.”

“Not too warm? I prefer blankets to a heavy nightgown so I can kick them off.”

He shrugged, feeling a little warm at the thought of her in a nightgown, in a bed. “Suits me fine, but you changed the subject.”

“Did I?”

“Your dream?” he probed.

“More of a nightmare, actually. I’d rather not talk about it.”

Worried, he asked, “Are you sure?”

“It’s a recurring dream I have. That alien doesn’t usually show up, though.”

He waited to see if she’d share more.

“I find myself in the messhall or holodecks, somewhere on the ship where a large group of crew members are gathered.”

“Mmmhmm,” he encouraged.

She shrugged. “Everyone is dead.”

His heart plummeted and he reached across the table for her hand. “I’m sorry, Kathryn.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. It’s my subconscious.”

“That may be, but I wish you didn’t have that as a recurring nightmare.”

A smile tugged at her lips as she said, “I enjoyed watching you fall asleep in sickbay.”

“Why’s that?” he asked as he took his hand back so she could keep eating.

“You have a cute little snore.”

“I don’t snore,” he protested.

“How do you know?” she asked. “You’re always asleep when you do it.”

“A couple weeks ago when we fell asleep on your couch, did I snore then?”

“Little bit,” she said, smiling guiltily.

“Did it keep you awake on New Earth?”

Shaking her head, she said, “It’s too quiet. It’s endearing.”

“You know what’s endearing?” he braved.

“What’s that?”

“When I’m in sickbay and you’re worried about me – the way you touch me. That’s endearing.”

“Do I do that a lot?” she asked with concern.

He nodded. “Yes.”

Sitting up straighter, she put her hand on her neck with slight embarrassment. “I’ll have to watch that. I hope I don’t make you uncomfortable.”

“Kathryn,” he pled softly. “I said it was endearing. I like it because it makes me feel like you care.”

“I do care.”

“I know.” He reached across the table again and was relieved when she clasped his fingers firmly. “You show me all the time. I value it and I look forward to it.”

“You’re sure?”

“Very sure.”

“Okay,” she said more confidently. “But if I ever make you feel uncomfortable, will you tell me?”

“No, because I don’t want you to stop.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, chuckling a little as she set her fork down. “I don’t think I can eat any more.”

“You can save the biscuit and muffin for later. Harry made the biscuits and Tuvok baked the muffins. He wanted to make something fancier but didn’t have time for yeast to do its work.”

She smiled gently and said, “Thank you for breakfast, and also, thank you for saving us yesterday. I loved watching you tell those aliens how it was going to be. Not that I liked the idea of you forcing the doctor to shoot a torpedo at you, but I admired your strength and conviction in that situation.”

“You’re welcome, Kathryn.”


	10. Hunters

** Chapter 10 - Season 4, Ep 15, Hunters **

Chakotay cringed when his door chime rang for the umpteenth time that evening. People didn’t seem to understand that he’d left the party so that he didn’t have to talk to them. If he’d wanted company, he would’ve stayed in the messhall. He was hoping that if he ignored it, whoever would think he was asleep or in the shower and go away. He’d already shed his uniform, threw on a t-shirt, and shorts and wished they’d leave him to go to bed. Not that sleep would come easy.

When the intruder rang again, he sighed heavily and went to the door to press the manual open button to reveal a fidgety Kathryn wearing a green dress. He was somewhat relieved as he stepped aside and said, “Come in.”

“I was starting to worry when you didn’t answer.” She stopped just inside his door after it closed.

“Would you believe me if I said I was in the shower?”

She looked him over. “Your hair isn’t wet.”

“Sonic shower?”

“You’d have an easier time convincing me that you were in indisposed for a moment. Maybe pretend to be rushed?”

“I’ll remember that for next time.”

She tilted her head and her eyes held her concern. “I heard what happened to the Maquis. Are you okay?”

There were so many ways to say no, but he settled with, “I’ve been better.”

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

He hesitated for just a moment too long.

“I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

Reaching for her arm, he said, “Kathryn…”

“Yes?” she asked hopefully.

“Stay.”

“But if you need some space…”

He didn’t reply, but pointed out, “You changed out of your uniform before you came to see me.”

“I thought you might not want to see it tonight.”

“That was thoughtful.” His door chime rang again, and he groaned a little as he triggered the manual open again to reveal Jor and Gerron.

They took one look at Kathryn standing there and both nodded at her saying, “Captain.”

Chakotay asked, “What can I do for you two?”

The two former Maquis looked at each other and then at their commanding officers before Gerron spoke up. “We, uh, wanted to check on you.”

“Thank you.”

“But, since you have a visitor, we’ll go…”

Chakotay offered, “I think we might want to gather the former Val Jean crew together tomorrow evening or the next, to have a memorial of some kind.”

Jor nodded. “That would be nice. Would you like me to organize that?”

“Would you?” Chakotay asked hopefully. “Henley might be interested in helping.”

“I’ll ask her.” Jor took a step back and tugged Gerron’s elbow. “Good night, Commander. Good night, Captain.”

“Good night,” they both replied as the door closed again.

Kathryn asked, “Is that why you were hesitant to answer?”

Chakotay nodded. “I left the party to get away from that, but they followed me. Not all together, mind you. One or two at a time, every 15-20 minutes.”

“You can put your door on do not disturb.”

He waved at her to follow him to the sitting area. “I would, but then I thought some of them might need me rather than thinking I need them.”

“May I do it for you?”

As he walked to the replicator, he waved at her to indicate that she should.

“Computer,” she instructed. “Place Janeway and Chakotay on emergency only status for the next twelve hours.”

Chakotay ordered two cups of tea and joined her on the sofa. “I’d order whiskey again, but I’m a little worried about getting started down that road with the way I’m feeling tonight.”

“Do you want to talk about it, talk about other things, or just have silent company?”

“Not sure,” he replied as he leaned back on the couch and stretched his legs out with his bare feet crossed at the ankles on the coffee table.

Nodding at his shorts and tee, she said, “I’m feeling a little overdressed.”

With a wink, he said, “Fine with me if you take it off.”

After giving him a look, she said, “I should’ve worn my peach dress instead of this green one.”

“Ah, yes. I like that one a lot. Like this one, too, but you look beautiful in anything.”

“Flirt,” she accused.

“You were the one looking at my legs.”

She motioned to them with her hand. “You’re the one who has them out on display like that.”

“Am I too much man for you, Kathryn?”

With a click of her tongue, she muttered, “Not at all.”

“What was that?” he asked playfully.

“Nothing,” she said as she took a sip of tea.

He adored these times spent with her, loving the way her clever wit soothed his frayed nerves. His fingers itched to hold hers and when he finally grew brave enough to reach for them, a warmth settled over his spirit as her fingers curled into his. It was the warmth of love, acceptance, home, and family that he so desperately needed.

Kathryn set her cup down and kicked off her shoes without letting go of his hand. She, too, propped her feet on the coffee table and relaxed against his sofa, leaning towards him so her head rested on the side of his shoulder. She quietly said, “I’m glad you’re out here with me.”

“You wouldn’t even know me if I weren’t.”

She was silent for a moment before she replied, “Then I’m even more glad you’re here.”

His heart yearned to take her into his arms, and tell her how he felt, but his brain reminded him that tonight wasn’t the night. She’d gotten an upsetting letter from her former fiancé and he’d received the terrible news about the end of the Maquis. He knew that if they came together that night, they’d always have the reminder that their relationship started as a result of two friends needing comfort. Adding sex to that wasn’t a good idea and she was far too important to him to tarnish their relationship that way. Instead, he vowed to wait for the perfect time when only love was on their minds. That’s when he would take her into his arms. For now, sitting together in the quiet was what they needed, and his heart was comforted just holding her hand.


	11. Unforgettable

** Chapter 11 - Season 4, Ep 22, Unforgettable **

He was writing as fast as he could, pouring his words out onto the old-fashioned paper before he forgot about the experiences of the last few days. Although he had heard the doors to the mess hall open, he hadn’t looked up to see who had come in until Kathryn slid into the seat across from him.

“Hi,” he said nervously.

“Are you writing so you won’t forget?”

“That’s the idea,” he said quietly. “I thought we should have a log.”

“Is that all it is? A ship’s log?”

“It started out that way, but then I got caught up in the writing. My emotions started pouring out.”

Kathryn nodded, but her eyes didn’t quite meet his. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Do you want a piece of paper?” he offered.

“Not if you’ve already covered ship’s systems, in the event we notice any irregularities.”

He touched the papers, considering his options. “Read what I wrote.”

“Not if its personal.” Her gaze finally had the courage to connect with him.

What he saw there saddened him. “It is, but I want you to read it anyway.”

She accepted the written notes, but commented, “I’ve no right to feel the way I do.”

“How do you feel?” he asked, as his heart jumped in his chest.

“Jealous.”

His heart warmed at her admission and now he knew he’d made the right decision letting her see his words. “Read it, Kathryn.”

She nodded and took a deep breath as she began to read. About halfway through the first page, her eyes shot up to his for a moment before she looked down to continue reading.

A few words into the second page and her hand came across the table to hold his.

Chakotay held her fingers in return, enjoying the softness of her skin and the strength of the muscles flexing underneath as she gripped him in response to what she was reading. He loved watching her, his fierce woman with an incredibly loving heart and a beautiful soul. Her admission of jealousy tickled him, and he hoped that she’d find his words reassuring. She had nothing to be jealous about.

When she finished, she set the paper down and looked at him, her eyes moist from emotion. “Are you upset about being deceived again?”

“No, relieved actually.”

“Will her manipulation of your mind have any lasting repercussions?”

“No, the Doctor said I’ll be just fine. I won’t even notice.”

“But you’re relieved?” she asked.

“Aren’t you?”

The smile that he loved the most lit up her face as she replied, “Yes, I am.”

He admitted, “I went to see the Doctor because I just couldn’t fathom how I could’ve fallen for her, not when I’m in love with you.”

Kathryn raised her hand, palm towards him and he returned the gesture in kind. She said, “I want to say so many things to you right now, but knowing we won’t remember any of this, I don’t want to waste them.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” he said with a slight laugh.

Shakily, she admitted, “Then I can tell you that I love you, too. I hope something comes along soon that will give me the courage to say that again.”

“Kathryn, I already know. It’s not a secret.”

“It isn’t?”

“No,” he said, his heart full of love. “Did you know that I loved you before you read it on those pieces of paper?”

“I think so,” she admitted. “Seeing you with….”

“With?” he asked.

“Are we forgetting her already? Kelly?”

Chakotay started to pick up the paper to look, but she stopped him.

“Just forget. We won’t remember this tomorrow.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes. Walk me back to my quarters,” she said as she stood.

He picked up the papers and asked, “Should I even keep these? Or are they going to cause problems later when we find them?”

“It’s up to you.”

Chakotay went over to the replicator and pushed the button to recycle them. He turned back and took her hand, walking out of the darkened mess hall. They glanced at each other often as they rode the lift down one deck, and Chakotay walked Kathryn to her door.

Finding it odd, but nice that he was holding her hand, Chakotay stopped at her door and said, “Well, good night, Kathryn.”

She looked at him oddly and then down at their joined hands. “I was going to say thank you for the evening, but I must be getting tired. I can’t even remember where we just were.”

“Messhall,” he said.

“That’s right,” she said with a laugh. Taking her hand back, she patted him on the shoulder. “See you in the morning.”

After watching her cabin doors close, he happily walked to his own and ended what felt like a great day. He just couldn’t quite remember what made it great. With a sleepy sigh, he closed his eyes and fell asleep, sure that he would remember in the morning.


	12. Night

** Chapter 12 - Season 5, Ep 1, Night **

Kathryn walked into his quarters and asked, “A mutiny? Really?”

He could tell by her expression that she wasn’t actually angry. “It worked, didn’t it?”

She drummed her fingers on his desktop. “You could’ve been captain.”

Chakotay took her hand and said, “I don’t want to be captain.”

“Why not? Quarters are bigger, you’d get a bathtub, nice view…”

“Those things would mean nothing if I didn’t have you to enjoy this journey with.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she clicked her tongue. “Smooth, Commander.”

Amused, he said, “I try.” Tugging on her hand, he led her to his sitting area and asked, “Can I get you anything?”

“Don’t know,” she said as she took a seat. “How tired are you?”

“Not very, why?”

“Coffee sounds good, but if you want to turn in soon, I should probably have tea.”

“How about something in between?” He tapped commands into the replicator and two glasses of red wine appeared. Turning around, he presented, “Freshly replicated chianti.”

“Very nice, thank you,” she accepted the glass and raised it towards him. “And thanks for the mutiny.”

“Any time,” he said earnestly as he took a sip. Deciding to get comfortable, he toed off his boots, set them behind a chair, and then took off his jacket.

She took the hint and did the same, tossing her jacket onto another chair and propping her feet up on the coffee table.

Glad to have her company after a long two months of barely seeing her, he decided to be a little more assertive than usual and sit right up next to her, putting his arm around her shoulders.

To his delight, she snuggled in with a soft sigh.

He laid his cheek against her hair and whispered, “I’ve been worried about you.”

“I know.”

Caressing her shoulder, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

She leaned her head back and looked up into his eyes. “Can’t you distract me with me something else? Tell me what the crew has been up to.”

“Don’t you think we should talk about it?”

“Are you going to write me up if I don’t?”

He gave her what he hoped was a disparaging look. “No, but I do believe it would be a good idea.”

“To write me up?” she joked.

“No, to talk.”

She was quiet as she played with the stem of her wineglass. “I know the steps needed to deal with it.”

Confused, he asked, “What kind of steps?”

Kathryn took a sip of wine before answering. “Therapeutic ones.”

“I feel like I should read a book or something, so I can help you with this.”

“It’s not that complicated,” she mumbled.

Controlling his patience took a lot of effort, but he wasn’t about to chase her away by grumbling about evasive answers. Instead, he whispered, “Then what is step one?”

It took a long moment, but she finally said, “Identifying that there’s a problem.”

“Is that the toughest step?”

“Seems to be,” she said somewhat off-handedly as she stared down into her glass.

“Have you done that?”

With a sigh, she said, “I don’t need a counselor, Chakotay. I just need a friend.”

He wanted to say something about how strategic her deflection technique was, but he decided not to. Instead, he laid his cheek on her hair and said, “You’ve got one.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Yes, it is,” he agreed.

“Look… Cognitive distortions come in many varieties… There are at least fifteen ways to categorize how the human mind can dwell on negative thinking.”

“That’s why I need a book.”

“You don’t. I’ve sat through many a therapy session discussing the magnification of negative details and how when I get stuck, I seem to forget about all the gray areas between perfectionism and failure.”

“Wow,” he said, a little shocked.

“This is not my first rodeo.”

“So it seems.” He took a drink of his wine, suddenly feeling unsure of how to help her. “And when you identify the negative thinking, how do you move past it?”

“That’s where I get stuck. The last two months have felt like an insufferable time loop. I examine the facts ad nauseum and keep coming to the same conclusion. This only happens when I have too much time on my hands.”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “What if you try a different approach?”

“Such as?”

“Well, like in a debate. Switch sides. Let someone else, like me, say all the things that you say to yourself and then you try to convince me that I’m not an awful person.”

“I never said I was an awful person.”

“Sure sounded like it to me. You were ready to punish yourself rather severely.”

“I deserved it.”

“No, you don’t.” He hugged her as he said, “You don’t see how wonderful you are, and nothing I’m going to say is going to convince you otherwise until you decide to be nicer to yourself.”

Kathryn said nothing for a little while and then asked, “When you’re feeling down, really down,” she emphasized. “Like after the situation with the Vori, what helped you get out of that? What did you say to yourself that made it possible to get out of bed the next day and put it behind you?”

“I don’t think you’ll want to hear the answer.”

She leaned her head back and looked up at him. “Why not?”

“I’m afraid it’ll make you feel more burdened.”

“How so?”

“Because it’s you, Kathryn. You make me want to get up every morning.”

With a deep groan, she dropped her head against his arm. “We’re a fine pair, aren’t we?”

“Well suited, I’d say.”

“I don’t know about that. We both come with a lot of emotional baggage. First time I got really, really depressed was after Justin and Daddy died. That was when I got all that therapy. Starfleet put me on leave pending psychological review and I almost didn’t come back.”

“I’m glad you did.”

“Yes, but when I went for it, I went one thousand percent by going to command school and giving up my career as a science officer. I figured if I learned how to make decisions, was trained in seeing every situation as black and white, that it would only help me realize what decision I could’ve made in that shuttle crash.”

“Where you had to choose whose life to save?” he asked.

“And froze instead.”

“Did you learn in command school that no situation is ever black and white?”

“To my chagrin, although I still try to make them that way.”

“I’ve noticed.” He started playing with her hair, hoping it would relax her. “So, tell me, what could I have done differently over the last two months?”

“I don’t know.” Her wine glass was empty, but she kept playing with it. “Maybe don’t leave me alone for so long, even when I tell you to go away.”

“I was thinking about that, but then I wanted to respect your wishes, too. You’re my commanding officer. If you ask your first officer for time alone, he should give it to you.”

She shrugged. “I’m not an easy person to lo…like, understand.”

“You are when you let people in. But what I find challenging is what takes priority? Being your first officer or being your friend?”

“I guess it depends on the situation.” She quickly added, “When I’ve come to see how you’re doing in the evenings, I’m not here as your captain.”

“I know, and those evenings have meant the world to me. I want to do the same for you.”

She asked, “Are we too close, Chakotay?”

“Right now, physically?”

“In general. Are we too close as friends? There’s no one I trust more, and I feel an extraordinarily deep affection for you.”

“Do you want to change that? Try to keep a more professional distance?”

“No, I rely on your friendship. I don’t want to be without it. It’s tough balancing act though, don’t you think?”

“Sometimes, yes. Luckily, we agree most of the time.”

“Do we agree because we don’t want to hurt each other?”

He chuckled. “No, I think we’re far too opinionated to do that.”

Kathryn laid her head on Chakotay’s arm again and closed her eyes with a soft sigh. “Thank you for your friendship.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Thank you for yours.”


	13. In The Flesh

** Chapter 13 - Season 5, Ep 4, In The Flesh **

“Come,” he said from the couch after his door chimed.

Kathryn walked in, her arms crossed, her lips pursed a little, and a chip on her shoulder. She stopped just after the doors closed.

“What’s on your mind?”

She looked at the deck, then at him, out the viewport, back to him, and then toyed with the wall-hanging on his bulkhead. Finally, she said, “I didn’t like that you had a date.”

Surprised, he replied, “Oh?”

“I have no right to feel that way. You’re my first officer. I’m your captain. You can date whomever you want.”

“Species 8472 wouldn’t be my first choice.”

“I know it wasn’t a real date.”

“No, it wasn’t. Are you feeling this way because you don’t have anyone to date?”

“No,” she said very clearly.

“So, you don’t want to go on a date?”

“I didn’t say that,” she admitted.

“But you don’t want me to date.”

She fingered the wall-hanging again. “That would not be very fair of me, would it?”

“Probably not. As you said, I can date whomever I want.”

“Yes, you can,” she said emphatically.

He was enjoying her discomfiture a little too much. “And if you could choose someone for me to go on a date with, whom would you choose?”

“No one. I’m entirely too selfish and I want you all to myself.”

“Kathryn?”

“Yes?” She dropped her hand and looked at him.

“Would you join me on a date later this week?”

“You’re asking me out?”

“Sure sounds like it.”

She chewed on her lower lip. “That wouldn’t be very appropriate, would it? Dating your captain?”

“I feel like we’ve been dating for years, Kathryn.”

“Do you?”

He nodded, really enjoying the exchange between them. “I do.”

“But if we did date, and it didn’t work out, that would be pretty tough.”

“What makes you think it wouldn’t work out?” he asked.

“Because I’m me, and I’m not an easy person. We should probably wait until we get home.”

“We could, but that doesn’t sound like much fun.”

“It wouldn’t be right to be caught having a tête-à-tête with my first officer.”

“I see,” he said. “What if we keep it strictly platonic? I’d love to spend an evening with you on the holodeck.”

She looked at him for a moment and then said, “Thursday?”

“Thursday it is.”

“What should I wear?”

“Peach dress and sandals.”

“All right, then.” She pressed the manual door release and said, “Good night, Commander.”

“Goodnight, Captain.”


	14. Timeless

** Chapter 14 - Season 5, Ep 6, Timeless **

Kathryn was hesitant as she entered his quarters. “Are you busy?”

He patted the spot next to him. “Join me.”

She came over and sat on the edge of the sofa, leaving some distance between them. “I should’ve listened to you.”

“You did,” he pointed out. “And you made the decision to take the risk.”

After a moment, she said, “I just delivered a message from Harry Kim ten or twenty years in the future, to our Harry Kim.”

“Oh?”

“Evidently, you and he made it back to the Alpha Quadrant in the Flyer, but the rest of us died.”

Chakotay felt sick to his stomach, unable to imagine the grief he would’ve felt in that situation.

She continued, “The transmission that Seven received had a temporal displacement, so clearly it was sent from the future. Harry came through for us, it just took time. Or rather, a temporal incursion.”

“Did a future me send a message?” he asked.

“Not that we received. I assume you were helping him, but of course, I have no way of knowing.”

“I probably died from heartbreak,” he guessed.

At that statement, Kathryn turned to him and said, “I worry often about our relationship, Chakotay. Would you have argued with me a little more about this if we weren’t so close?”

“I’ve been asking myself that same question since our dinner yesterday.”

“Did you have an answer?”

“I’m going to argue with you more in the future.”

She gave him a quiet laugh. “Can’t wait.”


	15. Nothing Human

** Chapter 15 - Season 5, Ep 8, Nothing Human **

Kathryn came into his office and said, “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“Yes, I have,” he replied, pretending to focus on the results of the latest drill.

“Are you angry about the Cardassian hologram?”

“Not angry.”

“What then?”

He put the PADD down and took a deep breath before replying. “Frustrated, perhaps. Hurt?”

“I had to save B’Elanna’s life.”

“I know.”

She said, “I don’t like Cardassians, either.”

“Doubt you hate them as much as I do.”

Kathryn said, “The shuttle crash that killed my father and fiancé? It was caused by a Cardassian mine.”

“I didn’t realize that.” He looked into her eyes and could see the pain.

“I told you a few years ago that I was once raped.”

He closed his eyes, suddenly feeling nauseous. “Oh, Kathryn.”

“I was a guest of the Cardassians, along with Owen Paris.”

Chakotay stood up and opened his arms, and he was so very relieved when she stepped into them.

“I’m not trying to one up you. I just wanted you to know this wasn’t easy for me, either.” When he didn’t say anything, she continued, “I thought about having the Doctor change the appearance of the other Doctor, but the damage was done.”

“I know. I would’ve suggested that if I thought it would help.”

She shuddered a little in his arms as she said, “I had to save B’Elanna.”

Rocking her a little side to side, he replied, “I know.”


	16. The Fight

** Chapter 16 - Season 5, Ep 19, The Fight **

Chakotay sat up on the biobed and was relieved that Kathryn was right there with him to offer a steady hand. The Doctor had just checked him over after Voyager’s exit from chaotic space and was releasing him from sickbay.

She asked, “Do you want to walk back to your quarters or transport?”

“I can walk,” he said as he slid off the bed and then held onto it tightly as he waited for the vertigo to subside. He felt her arms around him as she transferred his weight from leaning on the bed to leaning on her, and then he felt the tingle of a transporter beam.

They rematerialized in his bedroom and Kathryn immediately directed him to unfasten his trousers as she unzipped his jacket. Too tired to argue, he did as instructed while she turned down the bed covers behind him.

“You don’t have to do this,” he whispered half-heartedly.

“I know,” she replied as she maneuvered him to sit on the bed and then guided him to lie down. She pulled off his boots and pants, and then steered his legs under the covers. Pulling the blankets around him, she whispered, “I’ll be right back.”

Too tired to ask, he felt himself drift off for a few minutes until he felt the bed sag beside him. He turned his head to see that she was now lying next to him, but he didn’t have the energy to ask her about it as he fell into a deep sleep.


	17. Equinox

** Chapter 17 - Season 5 & 6, Ep 25 & 1, Equinox **

The welcome to Voyager dinner was winding down and the five crew members from the Equinox were looking exhausted. Chakotay made sure they had everything they needed and sent them to quarters to rest, letting them know they had two days off before he’d work with them to determine where they’d be posted on Voyager.

Once that was done, he found Kathryn speaking to B’Elanna and waited until they finished discussing how they’d go about upgrading the EPS system while they had it exposed for repairs.

She turned to him and said, “I think I’m ready to call it a night.”

“Me, too. Walk with me?”

Nodding, she waved to B’Elanna and side-by-side, they left the messhall.

In the turbolift, she leaned towards him a little, and he put his hand on the small of her back, offering the support he knew she was seeking.

He stopped them at her quarters and asked, “May I come in for a moment?”

Nodding, she led him in and went to the replicator to request two cups of tea. They sat together on the couch, not saying much until she started speaking.

“I suppose I need to thank you for standing up to me.”

He waited a moment before asking, “You suppose?”

With a sigh, she said, “I’m not good at admitting I was wrong.”

“No one is.”

Rubbing her eyes, she groaned, “Oh, Chakotay. How did I go so far down the wrong path on this one?”

“I should’ve argued with you sooner.”

Kathryn patted his knee with resignation. “Probably so.”

Unable to stop himself, he ran his fingers through her hair and then rubbed the top of her back with what he hoped was soothing strokes. “You mean everything to me, Kathryn. I hope you know that.”

Shakily, she replied, “I think I do.”

“This was a tough one.”

She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. “You need to put me on report. My actions crossed the line.”

“If I do, will that be the end of your self-penance? Can you accept that you made a mistake, but also that some good came out of it?”

“You should’ve stripped me of command.”

“I wouldn’t do that, but I was still monitoring the situation from my quarters.”

Looking at him with eyes full of emotional pain, she whispered, “I don’t deserve your support, but I appreciate it more than you know.”

“You’ve always got it, Kathryn,” he said as he opened his arms.

She relaxed into his arms, pulling her legs up as he held her.

Chakotay said, “You already know that you struggle with the gray areas between perfectionism and failure.”

“This was definitely the latter,” she replied.

“No, it wasn’t. Not for you. For Ransom, yes, but not for you. I believe you were so angry at him for not living up to the high expectations that you hold for yourself that you became incensed.”

“Perhaps,” she said. “But I sound rather unreasonable when you put it that way.”

“Not unreasonable, but you do have an exceedingly high moral fiber. You need to forgive yourself Kathryn. Don’t let this steal your spark.”

“I’ll try.”

“And I’ll be here to help you through it.”


	18. Voyager Conspiracy

** Chapter 18 - Season 6, Ep 9, Voyager Conspiracy **

Kathryn was serving dinner in her quarters as she said, “I heard the strangest rumor today. Apparently, the Captain and First Officer almost came to blows.”

“Mutiny?” he asked.

She gave him a look. “First Officer walked the plank.” After a beat, she added, “So I heard.”

“I don’t believe a word of it,” he mused.

“Me neither.”

After a moment, Chakotay noted, “Seven was malfunctioning. We don’t have that excuse.”

“You’re right,” she said with deep conviction. “We’ve been through too much to stop trusting each other.”

As a joke, he asked, “You didn’t poison the coffee, did you?”

She shrugged, “Not any more than I usually do.”

Smirking, he took a sip anyway and explained, “When Seven called me to Astrometrics to explain your devious plot, at first I thought I needed to have my ears checked, or that maybe I wasn’t following. I was dumbstruck.”

Kathryn’s mouth twitched a little as she replied, “I thought it was a prank you’d put her up to.”

Chakotay admitted, “Sometimes, when she starts spouting off facts and figures, I get a little lost. I was trying to take her seriously because there was so much conviction behind what she was saying. But now, I can honestly say that I don’t remember half of what she actually told me.”

“I told her there wasn’t a person on this ship I trusted more than you. Told her that she’d built a house of cards, but she kept going and going… it was overwhelming.”

“Do you think we armed ourselves out of instinct alone, because we perceived a threat that we didn’t fully understand?”

“Perhaps so.” She reached across the table to hold his fingers. “I meant it, though. You’re my rock, Chakotay. I trust you with my life.”

He lifted his fingers to his lips and pressed a kiss on her knuckles. “I hope you trust me with your heart, too.”

“I do. You’ve been nothing but careful with it.”

Feeling mischievous he mentioned, “I’m considering being a little less careful with it. Would you be amenable to the idea?”

“How so?” she asked nervously.

He stood and came around to her side of the table, offering his hand. Kathryn accepted it and rose with him, dropping her napkin on her empty chair.

Chakotay requested, “Computer, play a slow samba.” When the sultry music began, he drew her into his arms and began to dance. “I’m not very good at this,” he admitted.

Smiling brightly, she replied, “You’re doing just fine.”

They swayed together and laughed as he took her into spins and brought her back to his arms again. His heart was full of love as he looked into her incredible sapphire eyes. The joy and peace she had brought to his life was indescribable and he never wanted to let her go.

“I don’t want to ruin this moment, but there’s something I want to ask you.”

“I can’t imagine that anything would but go ahead and ask.”

“Kathryn, someday, would you consider marrying me?”

Her eyes grew a little wider, as did her smile. “That’s got to be the furthest thing possible from ruining this moment.”

He froze. “Is that a yes?”

Kathryn stretched up on her toes and kissed him softly before replying, “That’s a definite yes.”

It felt like something burst in his chest as he held her close and gave her a deep kiss, one full of passion and longing. Bending down, he pulled her close and lifted her off her feet and swung her around, joy coming over him like none he had ever known.

She laughed and held on tight as she said, “I love you.”


	19. Memorial

** Chapter 19 - Season 6, Ep 14, Memorial **

Once they were back on the ship and in their quarters, Kathryn said, “I realize that you didn’t agree with my decision.”

He blew out a breath and said, “No, I didn’t, because I don’t want anyone else to suffer like we did. It’s not fair to inflict that on another.”

“No, it’s not fair, but neither was it fair for those colonists to be murdered like that.”

Frustrated, he implored, “Kathryn…”

“I’m serious, Chakotay. We’re just as guilty in our own human history of atrocities that aren’t any different. With time and distance, we forget them or, I don’t know, put them in a book on a shelf to be studied in the classroom. In a perfect world, we don’t have to be reminded of those atrocities, but if we forget them, we’re more likely to commit them again, are we not?”

“I love your passion, Kathryn.”

“But?”

“I think because my family was murdered in a similar way, both in the recent and the ancient past, I didn’t need the reminder. I’ve already felt that experience, I’ve already been reminded of what my ancestors went through. Going through it this way was torturous for me.”

“I’m sorry, Chakotay.”

He held out his arm and invited her to come to him. Holding her in a warm embrace, he said, “I know you made your decision, as you make all of your decisions, out of love. I can’t fault you for that because I know where your heart is.”

She laid her head on his chest as they held each other. “What I did was restore the monument so that it would act like a museum, where one gets to choose when and if they want to immerse themselves in that history. The choice was taken from us because it was malfunctioning. As repaired, that choice will be there again.”


	20. Repression

** Chapter 20 - Season 7, Ep 4, Repression **

After the holodeck movie ended, Chakotay went to his old quarters that he didn’t share with Kathryn. The memories of his time under mind control were heart wrenching and he was exhausted from acting like it didn’t affect him.

He kicked off his boots and laid down on the bed, tucking his knees up letting go. The angry emotions surged through him, even as he tried to put his pillow around his ears to block out the sound of the ship, wanting to escape the nightmare that he was forced to endure. A nightmare that came far too close to becoming a reality.

Someone touched him and he gasped, shooting up, and when he saw that it was Kathryn who had come in, he grabbed hold of her and hugged her as tightly as he could.

Her embrace was full and tight as she returned the hug with all of her strength, holding him as he let out his emotions. Not letting go, she said, “I don’t blame you, not one bit.”

“I would never hurt you, Kathryn. Never.”

“I know.” She pulled back and held his face in her hands, wiping away his tears.

“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I love so much.”

She gave him a simple kiss and replied, “I love you, too, Chakotay.”

His heart felt like it would explode as he drew her down to where they were lying together on the bed.

She held on tight, continuing to comfort and grieve with him, assuring him that she was there.


	21. Workforce

** Chapter 21 - Season 7, Ep 16 & 17, Workforce **

When she came into his office, he was working at his desk, making a list of all the repairs that were still needed. He looked up at her and smiled. “Did you have any trouble finding me?”

She shook her head slowly. “My memories are back. They hit me all at once, I almost blacked out.”

Standing quickly, he went to her and pulled her into his arms. “Welcome home, Kathryn.”

“You didn’t tell me that we’re married.”

He whispered into her ear, “Shhhh, that’s a secret.”

Looking at him with pain in her eyes, she said, “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” he asked, caressing her cheek.

“I cheated on you, sort of.”

“You didn’t know.” He kissed her temple. “And with your big heart, you needed to love someone. It’s okay.”

“I do have some good news on that front.”

“What’s that?”

“Jaffen’s race, Norvellans?”

“Yes?”

“They reproduce by parthenogenesis. The males don’t have sexual organs.”

He had to laugh, he couldn’t help it. Chakotay bent down and kissed her soundly before answering, “Good.”


	22. Endgame

** Chapter 22 - Season 7, Ep 25 & 26, Endgame **

After the crew disembarked, he and Kathryn made their way around the reception area, meeting the crew’s family members and doing their best to be gracious about the attention, even though Kathryn kept looking at the door for her family to arrive. He knew his sister would still be a few days, but he was growing as impatient as Kathryn as he wondered where her family was.

Finally, Gretchen and Phoebe arrived, and with much fanfare, Gretchen gave Owen Paris an earful about how hard it was to get through security. However, when her eyes landed on her long-lost daughter, Gretchen rushed over and hugged her with everything she had, amidst the applause of everyone gathered.

The room was quiet as Kathryn was handed a voice amplifier. She said, “Everyone, I’d like you to meet the esteemed Dr. Gretchen Janeway and my sister, Mrs. Phoebe Richards.”

There was welcoming applause as Kathryn said, “Mom, I’d like to introduce my crew, their families, and this,” she said as she took his hand, “is my husband, Chakotay.”

Everyone gasped and Chakotay couldn’t help but smile as his wife shrugged, “Oops, I guess I blew our secret.”

He grabbed hold of her and pulled her into his arms, kissing her soundly amidst the whoops and hollers of their crew.


End file.
